Working through my fears ...

I sat down this morning to write a blog, became, hmmm, well I chickened out on the original subject and wrote about something else. Now I am back to write what I should have in the very beginning. The "outside" that I wrote about earlier today helped my mind return to the topic at hand and I know that it is something that I need to work through. Writing about it will help me do just that.

I knew, before we ever set foot in our shop as the "leasee" that there was an entity that lived there. I felt it and I then I asked during meditation and had that fact confirmed. I told the others about what I knew and they never questioned what I told them. They have even embraced that he is there.

So, what is the problem?? Well, it's me. I know that he's there, he's been there all along. I am fine with it when I am there with the others, when I am meditating, and when I am giving Reiki. There are times that I have been in a full-blown panic attack knowing that I was going to be there by myself. I have realized that it has something to do with my early years. I know that he will not harm us, I know that he is very interested in everything that we do, so this fear makes no sense.

While giving a Reiki treatment to a Client I knew that he was at the door to my office, asking permission to enter and watch. I gave him that permission. There was no fear, just a sense of peace. In that instance, my Client was also aware that he was there. Then I noticed during Reiki treatments that I kept hearing a very steady breathing that blended in with my music. At first I thought that it was something in the music that I had missed, then I thought that it might be my Client as they fall asleep often and the breathing is of someone that is sleeping soundly. Then, I heard it while giving a distance Reiki treatment, I was the only one in my office. It wasn't the music, though that didn't click at first. I heard it again giving a treatment to a Client in my office that afternoon. I heard it again a few days later when Jen and I were meditating together downstairs.

I didn't mention it to her at the time, again I thought that maybe she was doing some strange deep breathing thing. We were blindfolded so I couldn't "peak" to see what was going on. When I finally started putting a few things together, I asked her if she had heard the breathing. She had and she thought that it was me! This was the first time that she had heard it.

We decided to move a very large and very heavy desk to the opposite side of our center. It didn't slide across the carpeting at all and we were pushing and straining to get it to move even an inch. Suddenly, it took off and moved so easy across the carpet that we almost ran to keep up with it! Jen and I had to move it again the next day as it was too close to the wall. This time we actually asked for help moving it, and the two of us slid it over about four inches with ease.

Wednesday, during dance class, Julie and I (my other partner) both saw him. He was standing in the hallway watching us dance. It was just his shadow figure standing there, but his outline was clear. It took a bit for me to gain the courage to tell Julie that he had been there, she told me that she had seen him as well.

I have always had a fear of seeing spirits. At times it has been almost paralyzing and it is completely unreasonable. I know that it is. I know that he means no harm at all and when I am giving Reiki or meditating, I am in a very present state of mind and in that state of mind I have no fear. I have received messages from those  on the other side during meditation and Reiki and I have passed them on, again with no fear associated with it because of my state of mind when I have received these messages.

I feel that this is something that I am supposed to be doing, helping people deal with losing those they love and helping with the communication. How can I do that if I get so much fear in the waking world of possibly having contact with a spirit? I think that he is here to help me get over this fear. To work through it in my mind and in my heart. I realize that the fear is completely ego based. I have no doubt of that.

I have started using new words, instead of "why am I so afraid?" I've been saying, "I embrace the spirit that lives at the center". The panic attack stage has gone away, but I still feel my heart beating hard when I am going to be opening the door to the center and I am alone. I ask Archangel Michael for protection when I go in by myself. I did that yesterday on my way in, knowing that I would be the first one in by over 1/2 hour. I smiled when I saw that one of the dance students was very early for class and waiting at the door for me. I didn't enter alone. I wonder at that as it was yesterday that I saw the gentleman for the first time. Was Archangel Michael aware that the gentleman was planning on allowing us to see him that day (by us I mean only Julie, Jen, and myself) so he gave me someone at first so that I didn't see him alone?

I see spirits, deceased loved ones, and angels during my Angel readings, behind my closed eyes. I truly feel that when I get past this strange fear, I will be able to see them with my eyes open.